Dear friends, family, random stranger who has wandered onto my blog,
I have not written in a very, very long time. I think it is time to now because 1) I don't have to pull all-nighters of work thanks to spring break so I actually have time and 2) I feel like you guys need to know what is going on in my life. And if you (the reader) don't actually know me or you will be uncomfortable hearing personal details....jump off this ride now.
As you may or may not know, my father was diagnosed with brain cancer last February. At the time I was in Denmark and I remained there until May. Then I was home for about a week before I moved to Iowa City for a summer research internship. In August I returned to Knox for my senior year. I now have one term left before I (hopefully) graduate.
In the last year Dad has been "to the edge of the cliff" 5 different times. By that I mean he has been affected severely by the tumor and has had to be switched to different medications. Each time he has recovered some function, but it seems like he never gets quite back to where he was before. Being away, this has all seemed very surreal to me. But now I'm home for spring break. And it's real. And it's worse than I thought.
I wanted so badly to believe that it would just be a tough experience but soon Dad would be back to normal and we'd all be able to laugh about the crazy whirlwind that was 2011. Unfortunately 2012 hasn't actually proven to be that much better. I didn't realize it but things were slipping downhill ever since I left for Knox in January. Though I hate to admit it, it's almost easy to dismiss what is going on when you are far away. And while Knox is a heck of a lot closer than Denmark, it didn't seem to matter all that much. I did get to see Mom and Dad while they were on their way out to North Carolina (to Duke) and back from NC when they stopped in Galesburg and took me out for real food. It's difficult to believe that dad was able to drive part of the way on that trip and now a walk around the block is a big accomplishment.
But he is determined. And he is strong. And so is my mother. They are stronger than I ever knew possible.
I'm watching tv right now. Jay Leno just said something funny and I realize it feels foreign to laugh. Not that I haven't laughed in awhile. On the contrary, some of the things dad says and the goofy faces he make just crack mom and I up. And one of our goals is to get a laugh out of him every single day. So far we've been successful. Because he laughs easily. And he understands life's small beauties. But he is also seeing more clearly just how crappy his situation is. And now it feels foreign to laugh because how can I laugh when my heart is breaking? And how can I laugh when I watch my father hold back tears? But he'd want me to. He'd want us to. Because he was always good at finding something to chuckle about.
No, this spring break was definitely not quite what I expected, although I admit I just didn't know at all what to expect. There have been more tears, more fears, but also more reassurances that everything will indeed be okay, whatever that means. I don't quite know yet how I am going to leave here and go back to Knox. I love Knox and think spring term is the bomb but I just don't know if I can do it since it means having to be away from my family, this family that I see more clearly now.
All I know for sure if that I will be calling my mother every day; that I want the reports, the good and the bad. And that I can always use a hug from anyone who's willing to give them.
Thanks for reading.
-Rachel
