Wow, you just had a very real moment...

Dear all-

This post will be a little bit different than usual. I just yesterday got back from my short study tour to Western Denmark.  It was a wonderful trip and I hope to fill you in on it later. But for now I have to write about a few more serious things that have happened in my life.  I think most of the people reading this blog are quire close to me so you might already know what is going on, but if you are actually someone I don't know very well who just happens to be perusing my blog...well, get ready to know a lot more about me.  

       

My host family left yesterday morning for a week of skiing in Sweden. They offered to bring me along, but with classes and all the stuff I should probably do here I had to decline. I knew I would miss them very much but promised them I would be just fine here by myself. So now it is just me and Tiger (my host kitty).  

Well, I got back to the house around 7 pm and had an email from my sister saying they were going through quite the adventure back in Iowa. My dad started experiencing some mental confusion and was having trouble with certain fine motor skills (writing, cutting a deck of cards and so forth). Abby's email just told me not to worry and that they would let me know when they knew more.  This prompted me to figure out how to call cell phones from Skype.  Over the phone Abby was able to tell me that they had done a CT scan and found a tumor somewhere in the area above Dad's left ear.  My dad has a brain tumor. No amount of neuroscience knowledge could prepare me for hearing that.  I still feel like I can't quite comprehend it.  That phone call was definitely the hardest I have ever had.  All I wanted to do was see my family and hug them. But I know they are in very good hands and that they have a lot of support where they are.  As of last night I knew that dad would be having an MRI later and surgery scheduled for Monday morning.  After talking with my family I tried to keep myself busy unpacking from my trip and talking to some friends who were on facebook.  Then, thankfully, I was able to skype my roommate Emma. I cannot explain how much it helps to be in contact with people back home (and people elsewhere in the world, like my cousin Hannah in Scotland).  After talking to Emma, Hannah and later my friend Josh from home, I was able to curl up on the couch and fall asleep.  

This morning I made myself get up and go into the city for Zumba.  There was honestly a big part of me that wanted to stay in bed all day but I figured it would be better to do what I love.  So I went to Zumba and then I went shopping for (very expensive) ingredients for chocolate chip cookies.  After buying what I hoped was flour, a 500 g hunk of butter and 3 chocolate bars to chop up because Denmark doesn't believe in chocolate chips,...I carried it all back home and made Mrs. Clark's (famous) Chocolate Chip Cookies.  They did not turn out perfectly...but it was a fairly satisfying experience and at least keep me occupied until I was able to skype with Mom, Dad, Abby and the wonderful people who were visiting my family and keeping them company. I cannot express how good it was to see them and despite how not great the connection from the States to Denmark was, we had a pretty good conversation. Before we talked I had all kinds of neuro-y questions to ask (for those of you who don't know, I am a neuroscience major) but when they were all sitting there on my computer screen all I wanted to do was look at them and see their smiles.  Dad seems to be in great spirits, he was talkative and told me all about his symptoms and how he is relieved to know why he was unable to play table tennis as well as he usually can.  He is comfortable where he is and is anxious to have his math skills back after the surgery.  It's hard to imagine how much will have transpired by the time I actually return home.  I can't say I didn't shed a tear while I was talking to them (I shed quite a few actually) but it was encouraging to see that they are all together and they are expecting more family members to arrive later today and tomorrow.  How blessed we are to have such a good support system. 

I have not done much homework today but I think I am learning the art of realizing what is important and knowing that some things can wait. I am sure they will get done later. Although, I have to say it was interesting to pick up my developmental neuroscience textbook and start reading about case studies and suddenly realize my father is a case study:

  S.C. (case studies always use initials only) is a middle-age man who over the span of a few months (maybe more) developed impairments in fine motor skills and some types of mental processing.  These impairments are the result of a growing mass in the left hemisphere, somewhere around where the temporal, parietal and frontal lobes meet. 

It is now in God's hands and in the hands of the neurosurgeon. Steadiness and precision be with him.

So far I have been so thankful for the messages I have received from my friends and family back home. Every little hello, how are you brings me a little smile and helps me feel not so alone. Thank you all for that.

Tomorrow I will go to classes like normal and then tomorrow night I have a Danish cooking class that I signed up for a few weeks ago.  I will do my best to focus on cooking delicious Danish breakfasts and dinners but hopefully I can check email and such to get the latest news all throughout the day.  I think the people here will be very understanding.  

I am sitting here with the Danish pre-Superbowl show in front of me on tv. It is kind of like a bad indie film.  Since the Superbowl is not big here I think the tv stations just sent some reporters out and said have fun.  And having fun they are.  I am seeing people wearing wigs that look like a certain football player (I honestly don't know his name I just know he has big hair) along with hearing a lot of Danish words interspersed with Steelers and Packers. There is also the mission impossible theme song on repeat.  What a cultural experience so far. 

I previously mentioned what a good trip I had with my positive psychology class in Jutland the past few days. I should probably also mention the not so awesome thing that happened.  Friday night we were all at a lovely Danish restaurant having a traditional Danish meal that started out with shrimp cocktails followed by steak and potatoes.  As some of you may know, I sometimes have trouble swallowing and I have to make a gruesome face and swallow water to make food go down.  A few of my friends have experienced this with me and I always insist I am fine and I just have to be patient.  Well, I was eating steak, thinking I was being very careful to cut small pieces and chew enough but somehow I was suddenly unable to swallow a bite. It hurt quite a bit but I could still breathe so I didn't make a scene.  It was taking forever though and I started to panic a little.  A few of my friends started to notice and I took a drink of water. Well this time the water did not go down and I was unable to breathe.  I started making gurgley sounds trying unsuccessfully to suck in some air.  I started flailing my arms, completely forgetting the logical "I'm choking" signal you are supposed to do with your hands.  It started to get hectic then and suddenly the girl sitting beside me jumped up and gave me the heimlich.  You know how in movies the old lady chokes on a peice of meat and when the nice young girl gives her the heimlich she spits up the square piece of meat, coughs a little, sits back down, puts her reading glasses on and sips some wine?  Well let me tell you it is not like that at all.  I threw up on the table and still felt like I was choking.  I tried to take deep breathes and thankfully I was able to breathe but it was difficult.  I wanted to get up and go to the bathroom but I was still so lightheaded I just sat there and stared at the table. My god it was embarrassing. Everyone around me was so sweet.  I can never thank them enough. Especially Lauren who was the one to actually give me the heimlich.  I spent the rest of dinner in the restroom trying to drink water and every time just throwing it back up.  Who knew that your body would react so unhappily after choking?  It wasn't until about 2 1/2 hours later that I began to feel some relief in my chest and I was able to drink water again.  Right after Lauren had helped me and I was just sitting at the table in shock, one of my friends sitting nearby said "Wow, you just had a very real moment."  I feel as if my whole life right now is a very real moment.  I guess it is times like these where you really get to know yourself.  Saturday morning all I could think about was calling my family to tell them what had happened and to just hear their voices.  I never would've guessed that my incident would later seem so small in comparison to what else was going on with the Clark family.

  

Right now I am thankful for life and love, for family and friends, for God and for the beauty of the light rain that is falling on the skylights above my head.  

Thank you for reading this, hopefully soon I can write all about the architecture I saw, the psychology I learned about and the rainforest I got to visit.

Much love!  -Rachel