This post has taken me far too long. I started writing it 2 weeks ago, approximately one week after I made a pact with myself to write in my blog every week. I have failed that self pact twice since then. But, regardless, I think this was a worthy post to start and henceforth I shall finish it. I wrote this as I was feeling very mentally disgruntled. I was having some trouble with my mind racing about with unimportant thoughts and it really started to distract me from work. My normal routine at the time was to work while I was at work and then when I came home I generally cooked and cleaned, but while I did that, I would have TV shows or comedy sketches playing on my computer. I enjoyed it and felt like it was pretty normal to have those things on "in the background" while I was semi-productive, because what was I going to do otherwise?.....Think for myself? Contemplate life's mysteries? Brainstorm for genius ideas for work?
I should have. I should have done all of those things. But instead I was saturating my brain with entertainment because that felt easier. Until I started feeling a little out of control. Then it was slightly less easy and perhaps even a little dangerous. When you constantly have things entering your brain through your eyes and ears, you get a little less good at being in that space by yourself, and you (or at least I) tend to be less okay with it being just plain quiet. So I realized I needed to change that, and I declared a (however short) moratorium on all things falling under the category of addictive media. To me that is basically TV shows and iPhone games. I still allowed myself to listen to music and to watch Zumba DVDs because that's actually for a job, so it's semi-important. And it's fun. And educational.
So basically Zumba was in, everything else was out.
Then, throughout the two weeks since then I wrote a few times so I'll throw those mini-posts in here and then I'll wrap up with something really insightful. Ready?
Maybe it's all in my head. In fact, I think it really is all in my head. But something has to change.
I've become addicted to too many things. Although, having said that, I don't actually know how many things is the "perfect number to be addicted to." Don't worry, none of these things involve anything seriously harmful or illegal in any way. But nonetheless, it's damaging to my brain and my sense of wellness. I can feel it.
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It's been 5 days since I watched TV or played any iPhone games. It's smaller than a drop in the bucket in terms of time and it's miniscule in terms of the other forms of media to which I expose my brain. But it was something, nonetheless. And it helped. I really did stop getting the urge to open a game or turn on a tv episode any time I was doing something semi-mindless around the house (cooking, cleaning, folding clothes). In the past few weeks I found myself playing clips of comedians or a new episode of the Danish show I am so fond of anytime I had a free moment or a moment doing chores. And when one was over, I would automatically press play for the next one. I was simultaneously addicted to it and disgusted by it. Which I suppose is how most, maybe all, addictions are.
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I came home last night after work and upon deciding that I should enjoy my last evening of "summer", I didn't even consider sitting in bed watching tv or lounging around playing games on my phone. Instead, I automatically thought of how much Zumba I could do and how I could finally clean my desk and fold those clothes that had been laying in a heap at the foot of my bed. As minuscule as my little experiment in "TV purging" has been, I really do feel surprisingly different.
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As a neuroscientist (an aspiring one, at least) I shouldn't be so surprised that we can change our brains. I KNOW we can. And yet it shocked me that I did; that I, fairly easily, reduced my excessive compulsion to play a game or have people talking at me so I didn't have to generate thoughts myself.
I understand that it's not much, and that I'd have to do a lot more to diminish the other addictive behaviors I have (sugar craving being a large one; Facebook-checking being another), but I'm pleased nonetheless. I oddly do feel much freer and also more in control. I felt a weird amount of obligated every time I would watch TV shows, knowing that there were so many other episodes to be watched. It was such strong persuasion to keep pressing play, even when I was only paying half-attention to each passing episode. But why was it my responsibility to watch them? It's nice to realize it's not my responsibility.
Yes, there's a time and a place for enjoyment of most forms of media and yes, I'm still going to watch my favorite Danish show again one of these days, but it was really useful for me to start feeling sufficiently satisfied with my own thoughts and to really enjoy some peace and quiet.
Especially going in to this new semester (this will technically be my last year of classes!!), I'm grateful to start on a slightly-more-balanced foot than I was previously when I felt largely dependent on external things to preoccupy my mind.
Maybe I didn't end up saying anything especially insightful but I better end this for now because I have an early morning wake up call for a beautiful Iowa countryside bike ride with my lab mates.
Happy back to school season to all :)
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