Short and sweet

This has to be short because I am pathetically tired after my first real day of anything academic, but I'm forcing myself to write because 1) I do actually enjoy it and 2) I don't want to get in the habit of putting it off. Today was indeed my first official day. Kind of. I'm taking part in a workshop on functional magnetic resonance imaging (fmri), something I have very little experience with, but a considerable amount of interest in. I was for sure the youngest and least experienced person there, which is simultaneously overwhelming and relieving. I kind of feel like it's okay that this is all going way over my head because I'm just a lowly first year grad student. I can't really be expected to understand all the jargon and programming details, can I? Then again, it is a little scary seeing the breadth and depth of stuff I will hopefully be familiar with in just a few short years. The day consisted of 3 lectures in the morning (I'll admit it, I was dozing a wee bit by the third one. Perhaps coffee is in my forecast tomorrow), and then two workshops. One of which I followed decently well (super cool imaging program called Slicer, for any of my nerdy friends) and the other, during which I got lost about half way through and spent the rest of the time just trying to fake it till I made it. All in all, I survived. And felt a little grown up in the process.

However, I have to admit this morning was not the perfect morning for my epic appearance on the graduate school scene. Here is approximately how my continuous 3rd person pep talk went...all in my head of course. (I'm "graduate student", in case that's not clear)

Well graduate student, here you are. Setting off for your first big day. In a nice shirt...and gym shorts. That's ok, you look super cool. Thank goodness the rain has stopped just in time for you to ride your bike. You forgot to grab your seat cover? Well you'll have a wet butt, so good thing you are going to change into your jeans when you get there. Just don't ride too fast, otherwise you'll get all sweaty and out of breath and you'll look silly for the rest of the day. You know everyone will judge you if your makeup smudges and your hair is a little frizzy. 

Ok, you're half way there. You realize you are taking the least efficient route to get there, right? Why on earth did you just ride in front of the hospital instead of crossing at that light? You should know this area better. It's ok, just smile, grad student, and everyone will think you know what you are doing. They have no idea that you don't have a clue and that you feel ridiculous. 

You made it to the right building and your bike is locked up, great! Wait...how about you do that again and actually lock it to the post this time, eh? That'd be helpful.  (Opps)

Nice work walking up those stairs that went who knows where, you smartypants, and even better job walking back down them and standing there awkwardly until someone else "neuro-y" walked by so you could follow them up to the room. They have no idea you almost went the wrong way...3 times!

At least you've made it to the right room. Oh no! Everyone is wearing khakis or nice pants. Crap!! Feeling a little silly in your jeans now, aren't you? Well, at least the men aren't wearing ties.

Okay...you can relax now, nervous grad student. You've made it to the workshop, you have a name tag, you have a computer to sit at and...lo and behold...someone else is wearing jeans too :)

So that really was my train of thought this morning as I did pretty much everything wrong before finally making it successfully to the right place. I guess the whole nervous thing is to be expected and honestly, I doubt anyone else noticed any of my little mistakes (except that janitor who chuckled when I walked up the stairs...and promptly back down them). Overall I have to say the day could've gone much worse :)

I better get to sleep now so tomorrow's lectures get a little more attention from me then the ones today did.  Let's all hope for some more adventures tomorrow...otherwise what am I going to ramble on here about? Goodnight.

Day 2 of grown up living

I won't write much tonight because I traveled far and wide to a little cafe with wi-fi (shout-out to JavaHouse)...(oh and to downtown Iowa City, which is awesome on a Friday night! It's rocking with outdoor dining, a grilled cheese stand and live music.)  Anyways, I managed to seat myself nowhere near an outlet and I'm too proud to move from this spot now that I'm here. I have approximately 1 hour and 32 minutes of power left, but I doubt this place is even open that long so maybe I will write until one or the other happens, computer dies or they kick me out. Haha. 

I hope everyone is doing well tonight. I have survived day two, actually day 3, of being in my apartment. Sleeping last night went much better now that the air is back on. The only disconcerting thing was the dream I had that included a really insane frog/owl/pterodactyl creature that I'm pretty sure spawned off the real life giant fish species that is living in the pond behind our apartment. Apparently my subconscious thinks those fish could sprout wings and make it up to our apartment to torment me. Nevertheless, I slept well in my new bed and awoke to realize the fish in the pond really are just fish. I spent my day organizing my room, getting my hair cut, going grocery shopping, putting together an IKEA coffee table, vacuuming and baking (brownies and puppy chow: perfect "break in the kitchen" food :).  So far it appears I really enjoy being "Holly homemaker" (I don't think that's a real saying, I just made it up), even if it is just for me. But the boyfriend (Mr. Quintin Gittemeier, from Knox) is visiting this weekend so I did actually have a real reason to come up with delicious meals and make the apartment look as good as possible. 

I really want to write all about my meeting with Michelle (my soon-to-be lab advisor), but I don't have enough time so maybe I'll write a post before bed tonight and post it the next time I get internet. All I can say for now is, it really made me excited to be a part of this Neuro program and for the upcoming research opportunities! Okay I sound like a big dork so I better stop.

Thanks as always for reading :)  

Words from the dark...kind of. On the adventures of growing up and moving

Hello all!

I've been considering returning to the world of blogging for some time now. And now I figure, what more appropriate time could there be than this? This time being me on the cusp of adulthood, having just moved into my new apartment, off campus, at a new school, with my own bedroom and my very own new queen bed.....and no electricity. Good thing I charged up my computer before I left home this morning. I don't even have internet right now...so in what feels like a very 'old school' style, I am writing this on a "sticky note", which is mac's version of notepad. But it's more fun because you can change the colors and drag the boxes all over your screen wherever you want. This one is blue, if anyone was wondering, and it's a giant box in the middle of my screen overlapping my itunes. 

Now that we got the important stuff out of the way, let's talk about why I am sitting on my new bed, sweating like a pig, in the dark, ready to throw in the towel and go to bed at, let's see....10:04.  Wow, no wonder people got so much more sleep before indoor lighting. There's nothing else to do when it gets dark! So, like I said, I just moved in to my first big girl apartment today. It's in Iowa City, close to the stadium, in this kind of wooded area, right behind a gross green pond which has huge fish that look like gators. It's a beautiful apartment though. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a lovely kitchen, wooden floor dining room, living room and a delightful little balcony. I found this apartment by way of University of Iowa's online roommate finder and I am living with 2 girls who had already decided to lease this apt and were looking for a third. Much to my pleasure, after a few emails back and forth, they deemed me worthy and told me if I wanted the apt, they'd have me. I was thrilled and jumped at the chance right away. One of the roommates also moved in today. A very sweet girl from Minneapolis who attended Iowa State. So far I'm a huge fan. She likes adventuring, is very studious, likes to keep things clean, and has a great sense of humor and a get-it-done attitude (all this I can tell from meeting her twice and watching her haul all her stuff up our 3 flights of stairs). She also had a few good friends to help her...so at least I know she has friends :)  I haven't met the other roommate yet. She went to William and Mary and is originally from Virginia, near Washington DC. Ironically, my college roommate (and best friend) was also from that area. Lauren (roommate #2) is moving in on the 12th. Hopefully Katie (roommate #1) and I will have the apartment all settled in and looking spic and span by the time she gets here and brings her awesome huge couch (yay!!).  

Wait, back to why I have no power....When I signed the lease two weeks ago, the property manager had told me to just call the electrical company (Mid-american) a few days ahead of time to make sure they know what day service should start. So on Monday (two days ago) I give them a call and am told that the previous residents just had the service turned off, so in order for it to be turned back on, a service person will have to come flip the breaker. No problem...or so I think. "Which day are you moving in?" She asks. When I say Wednesday she says, "well, it appears out schedule is booked (eek!), but here, I can override it and give you an appointment time of 7 am-8pm. So, you'll just have to be at the residence to let the person in during all of that time. We can call 30 minutes ahead of time."  Well....I wasn't planning to move in until 10. I was not about to leave Newton at 5:30 in the morning to be here at 7 am "just in case" they could come then. And I probably wouldn't have even had a key. "Okay so maybe we can just make an appointment for Thursday," she says, when I explain the predicament. "Thursday is also full. It appears we have some times open on Friday."  Friday didn't seem quite soon enough for me to get ac, a fridge, hot water and a lit kitchen so we finally agree to do the 7am-8pm thing on Thursday. That means that sometime tomorrow, don't know when, we will get electricity back! I do have to leave at 11 am to go meet my new advisor/professor/lab rotation (which will inevitably be the subject of the next blog post), but besides that I guess I will be keeping myself busy in my hot, dark apartment.   While I am talking about the whole power deal, I have to give a shout out to the graduation gift that allowed me to shower this evening. Mike and Ginny (family friends) bought me the most adorable bathroom accessories set. It's all rubber ducky themed and I'm in love with it. I have a shower curtain, towels, a duck with umbrella toothbrush holder and a duck soap dispenser. Along with a few just-for-funsies duckies, two of which light up. Who would've guessed how handy those would be for my very dark (and very cold) shower. It was nice little ambiance lighting :)  Oh and I hadn't hung my shower curtain up, so it really was an interesting shower. Thank you Mike and Ginny, for making it possible for me to not go to bed in my nice new bed all stinky and sweaty. It was truly a treat :)  

I will probably go to sleep soon (what else can I do without power??) but I will first say that I am comfortable and happy in this lovely new apartment, and it's all thanks for my mama, Abby and Kyle. Mom drove the explorer to IC for me, all loaded up with my furniture and other essentials and then helped haul stuff up the stairs. She even packed us a fun lunch that we ate picnic-style on the living room floor. Abby and Kyle drove from Waverly (their new home) and helped unload and transfer all of my stuff. I sincerely could not have gotten some of it without Kyle's muscles and it was also just nice to have the two of them see where I'm living and help figure out how to organize my room. I'm glad I am not living too far away from them- and I hope they come visit me often (hint hint ;)  

I think I'll call it a night now. I'm hoping my phone doesn't die before morning so my alarm will be able to go off, otherwise I'll probably wake up to the sun. Another cold shower in the morning, perhaps? Thanks for reading my first post as I'm returning to the blogosphere (that is most definitely not a real word...but I think that's allowed when blogging, haha)  Goodnight!

Words I spoke at the funeral

Dear all,

The following is my eulogy, which I read today at the funeral. The only hard part about writing it was that I had so many more memories I wanted to share. Dad was so good at making them. I hope it makes you laugh a bit, I think he would have :)

"I can’t begin to explain how much it means that you all are here. I just have a few things to say about the man my father was and the legacy he left, though that will never be fully played out because I am certain we will feel it in new ways every single day.

Many times, in reference to our game plan to kick my dad’s cancer in the butt, my mom would say "We are swinging for the fence!" (my mom is particularly fond of sports metaphors). And well, even though what we really wanted was a home run that would bring dad’s health back so he could stay with us, Heaven has gotta be beyond the fence. Somewhere wonderful beyond the fence. And we are so grateful to know we will see him again.        

In recalling stories about dad, there are a few themes that come up again and again. How much fun we had with him, how much we trusted him and how proud we were to be his daughters.

As Abby wrote, our dad was a competitive, fun-loving guy. He did not let that darn tumor get in his way. In a blog post a few months back, when I was home in July, I wrote “We are staying really positive, but we are also on edge, just waiting and watching and praying and hoping.  On the bright side, I played tennis with him a few days ago and although his motor skills have definitely been affected by the tumor, he still had some serves that aced me!”  That’s my strong, amazing dad for you.

         Dad loved being outside, working, playing golf or tennis or just enjoying. When I was younger, he built a beautiful patio behind our garage. I remember one summer night when I was in highschool, we decided to borrow a projector and dad rigged it up so that we could watch Star Wars on the back of the garage. We all sat out there in lawn chairs, with blankets and pillows and a fire burning in our cast iron fire pit.

         Abby also mentioned how adventurous dad was. This was particularly evident when we would ride our four-wheelers down at the farm. He taught me how to ride and then put me on my own four-wheeler and let me just follow him as we went up and down hills, around the lakes and through the tall grass, always stopping to point out deer or the shark fish if its fin was skimming the water as it so often did. Two summers ago, we were out riding on the runway, seeing how fast we could go and dad told me to stop in the middle and watch him. He went a ways down towards the lake and then turned around and came back, riding close to the edge of the runway. Only once I saw his four-wheeler dip down and then bounce up a little hill did I realize what he was showing me—he had figured out how to “get air”. And he just laughed and laughed and laughed. I was nowhere near as good as he was at first but we did it over and over. Heading towards the lake, turning around and starting in first gear, speeding up to about 5^th gear and then once we reached the little dip we’d scrunch down as close to the handlebars as we could so it would go just a bit higher in the air. And mom had no idea (which was smart on dad’s part)

When I was younger, we would travel back and forth to Donnellson, Des Moines, Logan and also on longer trips, specifically the one we took to New York. Dad would be in the driver seat of our big grey Astrovan, mom in the passenger and then Abby and I all sprawled out across the two middle seats, piled in with coloring books, snacks and blankets and pillows. I sleep in the car, all the time. But I remember when I was little I would be so tired, nearly unable to keep my eyes open. And for whatever reason I was convinced that when I closed my eyes, somehow dad’s eyes would close too. And I tried so hard to keep them open because I felt guilty that I was sleeping and he was driving. I would fight to keep them open, picturing him getting tired at the wheel. Despite my desperate attempts, I would inevitably fail and fall into an untroubled sleep, rocked into dreams by the gently moving car, that was faithfully steered by my father. And he always got us home safely. I’d wake up as we pulled into the driveway, surprised at how much time had passed while I was asleep. But never surprised that we made it. Because I trusted him. I trusted him to get us there. And he always did.

Some of you have heard this next part, so I’m sorry to be repeating it. I wrote it after being home at Easter.

“I've always known I was blessed to have Sam Clark as a father. His real name is Robert; that's what I always loved telling people because it was like having a secret. I know him better than you, I'd think in my head. I don't even know if the story I tell is accurate; I'm sure it's tainted by years of me revealing my little secret to people who met my dad. "Yeah. His name is really Robert, but one time when he was little, the neighbor came over and asked how the kids were doing. My grandma responded "Oh Donna and Mark are in the other room and baby Sam is napping." She just randomly said Sam, or so my story goes. And it just stuck. I think I change the story a little bit every time, but I enjoy it very much nonetheless.”

The past few days we have been watching home videos. The good old videos, playing on the nearly-ancient vcr. The kind that dad filmed with his giant video camera. A lot of the videos were of parties or holidays or other gatherings. But some of them were just dad and us. He would turn on the camera and just set it on the tripod or carry it along on his shoulder while we did normal, every day things:  playing hide and seek, eating hot dogs and jello, pulling tissues out of the box while mom wasn’t watching and him teaching us to talk. To most people, those things are mundane and less-than-extraordinary. But to dad they were opportunities to make memories. Who knew how much these would come to mean to us? Because to us, when we watch those, every moment is a chance to hear him laugh, talk or see his twinkling eyes.

I miss my father- his idiosyncrasies, his laugh, his wit, his thoughtful eyes and that facial gesture he made when something surprised him. We will all miss him very much. 

That man. He knew how to make memories. And he knew how to love. And I will forever be a better person because of how he raised me.

Thank you all so much for coming. I can’t express or even fully comprehend right now how much it means to us. Though the hole in our hearts can’t be filled, it’s nice to have such warmth to comfort the part of us that remains."

Hi everyone,
Just a quick note for anyone heading to Newton tonight or tomorrow for the services. I truly hadn't even thought about anyone from my school coming so I cannot tell you how much it means to me that some of you are. To know that your love exceeds the Knox campus is outstanding. If anyone does want to spend the night in Newton, between the visitation tonight and the funeral tomorrow, we have plenty of places for you to sleep. It's totally okay if no one does stay, I just wanted to extend the offer.

Here are some detailed directions in case they are needed.  I know you all have google maps and such but I figured I might as well throw these out anyway.

To my house: From interstate take 1st Newton exit, follow road to first avenue, turn left onto first ave. Follow 1st ave all the way past Hy-Vee, turn left on E. 8th St., go two blocks and turn right onto 4th ave. My house is 615, the one right past the park on the left. Come right up the driveway to the back door.

To the funeral home (visitation 5-7 pm tonight): A few blocks past the road to turn to my house, turn right on  E. 3rd street N. and the funeral home is right on the next corner. It's a light tan brick building.

To the church (funeral tomorrow 10:30 am):  From 1st ave, right on E 19th St., left on 4th Ave, but just for a short way, right on E 19th St, and St. Luke is on the left.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. This is the hardest week of my life thus far, but having so many people to love us has provided comfort and strength. Please know how much we appreciate it.

Love, Rachel

I've always known I was blessed to have Sam Clark as a father. His real name is Robert; that's what I always loved telling people because it was like having a secret. I know him better than you, I'd think in my head. I don't even know if the story I tell is accurate; I'm sure it's tainted by years of me revealing my little secret to people who met my dad. "Yeah. His name is really Robert, but one time when he was little, the neighbor came over and asked how the boys were doing. My grandma responded "Oh Mark is napping, Steve is in the other room and Sam is playing." She just randomly said Sam, or so my story goes. And it just stuck. I think I change the story a little bit every time, but I enjoy it very much nonetheless.

Our family has always treasured our memories, and now more so than ever. The last few weeks have been difficult, as you may know. But the things that help the most are the memories we keep replaying and retelling; the love we continuously share: love that is felt through hand squeezes and eye contact; and the thoughts and prayers from all who care about us.

I was home for spring break and then again this past weekend for Easter. Things were very different both times and although it wasn't all totally unexpected, having heard regular updates from my mom and sister, it was still pretty shocking to see in person. My father is so strong, always has been. It is heart breaking to see that strength becoming dormant because the cancer has taken control over so much of his body. And yet he, through willpower and determination, would get himself around the house using the less-affected side of his body. Easter weekend, however, I went home to find a hospital bed in our living room and that is now dad's current habitat. I am so glad that he can at least be in our home, taken care of by my mom and comfortable for a majority of the time.
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I wrote the first part of this post at various times over this past week and I just couldn't bring myself to continue, finish or post it. It's hard to be here. As much as I love Knox, it is so hard to try and go on with life, even with all the good things that are in my life. I just plain care about them less. My heart is only so big. And right now especially it is full of my family.

I don't know what else to say except thank you. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers, and especially the memories you've shared with my mom, sister and I.  I absolutely adore hearing stories of my father. Hearing people recall the way he would just hoot and holler at something he found especially funny. The sweet little things he did that we didn't always know about. I'm going to post one of them below- it's an excerpt from a comment on my mom's caring bridge guestbook (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/samclark1). This message meant so incredibly much to me and made my heart overflow with love and pride for my father.


I remember a day, long ago (Rachel was a 9th grader) when Sam came to school to talk to me about a situation Rachel was having where an older boy was blocking her locker in an intimidating way (said boy could be a real jerk at times, so she was right to be intimidated) and he wanted me to be aware of what was happening and to make sure we did something to stop this harassment.  Although I knew all of you at that time, I did not know Sam really at all.  After talking with him, I remember I had two thoughts:  the first was that he loved his daughters with a fierceness and would make sure they were safe and protected. The second thought was how lucky you all were and how great gals like the three of you deserved a Mountain of a Father and Husband like Sam. Over the years, at many school events, I continued to see you as a family and those original thoughts were verified over and over again.


This message was from an administrator from my high school and I honestly did not know of this story. If any of you have others, I would love to hear them! Even if it's just a short email message or something (raclark@knox.edu) it would really brighten my day :)  
Hope this message finds you all well.  I think I'm off to bed for the night. 
Until next time.  Hej hej. 

A whirlwind of honesty...be prepared.

Dear friends, family, random stranger who has wandered onto my blog,

I have not written in a very, very long time. I think it is time to now because 1) I don't have to pull all-nighters of work thanks to spring break so I actually have time and 2) I feel like you guys need to know what is going on in my life. And if you (the reader) don't actually know me or you will be uncomfortable hearing personal details....jump off this ride now.

As you may or may not know, my father was diagnosed with brain cancer last February. At the time I was in Denmark and I remained there until May. Then I was home for about a week before I moved to Iowa City for a summer research internship. In August I returned to Knox for my senior year. I now have one term left before I (hopefully) graduate.

In the last year Dad has been "to the edge of the cliff" 5 different times. By that I mean he has been affected severely by the tumor and has had to be switched to different medications. Each time he has recovered some function, but it seems like he never gets quite back to where he was before.  Being away, this has all seemed very surreal to me.  But now I'm home for spring break. And it's real. And it's worse than I thought.

I wanted so badly to believe that it would just be a tough experience but soon Dad would be back to normal and we'd all be able to laugh about the crazy whirlwind that was 2011.  Unfortunately 2012 hasn't actually proven to be that much better. I didn't realize it but things were slipping downhill ever since I left for Knox in January. Though I hate to admit it, it's almost easy to dismiss what is going on when you are far away. And while Knox is a heck of a lot closer than Denmark, it didn't seem to matter all that much. I did get to see Mom and Dad while they were on their way out to North Carolina (to Duke) and back from NC when they stopped in Galesburg and took me out for real food. It's difficult to believe that dad was able to drive part of the way on that trip and now a walk around the block is a big accomplishment.

But he is determined. And he is strong. And so is my mother. They are stronger than I ever knew possible.

I'm watching tv right now. Jay Leno just said something funny and I realize it feels foreign to laugh. Not that I haven't laughed in awhile. On the contrary, some of the things dad says and the goofy faces he make just crack mom and I up. And one of our goals is to get a laugh out of him every single day. So far we've been successful. Because he laughs easily. And he understands life's small beauties. But he is also seeing more clearly just how crappy his situation is. And now it feels foreign to laugh because how can I laugh when my heart is breaking? And how can I laugh when I watch my father hold back tears? But he'd want me to. He'd want us to. Because he was always good at finding something to chuckle about.

No, this spring break was definitely not quite what I expected, although I admit I just didn't know at all what to expect.  There have been more tears, more fears, but also more reassurances that everything will indeed be okay, whatever that means.  I don't quite know yet how I am going to leave here and go back to Knox. I love Knox and think spring term is the bomb but I just don't know if I can do it since it means having to be away from my family, this family that I see more clearly now.

All I know for sure if that I will be calling my mother every day; that I want the reports, the good and the bad.  And that I can always use a hug from anyone who's willing to give them.

Thanks for reading.

-Rachel