The thin line between a bamf and an idiot

First and foremost, I apologize profusely for the implied swearing. I do my best not to swear often, but sometimes nothing else seems to fit the bill well enough. This is one of those times. If you prefer, instead of what bamf actually means, feel free to imagine that it means "big and manly female". That will work.
Also, before I start, here are two things I learned today:
1) It's hard to ride a bike in wedges. You know, those shoes that pretend like they are heels, but really aren't because they are more practical and more comfortable. Super cute. But unfortunately, not bike friendly.
2) Wearing a backpack, no matter how light, exacerbates the sweating that occurs pretty much anytime one rides a bike. Jeans have the same effect, to an even greater degree.

Now on to the story...
Today was quite the busy day as it was the first "morning meeting", which is a 7:30 am meeting every Monday and Friday with various presentations, which is attended by neuro grad students, clinical faculty and physicians, lab techs and the PIs of other labs. (PI stands for principal investigator and it's basically the person in charge of his or her own lab)  Ok, so I was at morning meeting and then I started working in my rotation lab. I finally have papers to read and understand!
Skip forward a few hours, to when I left lab to eat my lunch quickly (pb and j sandwich, rice cake and fruit salad...dining like a king :)...and then I had a chiropractor appointment. I got a random neck injury on Friday and I've been waiting for it to get better and it just hasn't healed completely so I went to get it checked out at this new place.

I left right from work so it was me, my bike, my backpack and my iPod, setting out on this adventure. Google maps told me the office was about 3.5 miles away from downtown, which was accurate. Google maps did not tell me, however that most of it was uphill and also across I-80. Well, it did tell me that part but I didn't realize there would not be a legitimate bike lane or sidewalk on both sides of the road that overpassed the interstate. So there I am, in cute grey wedges, my nice jeans, a nicer-than-a-tshirt top, backpack safely bucked on, riding my bike alongside cars going at least 35 mph, if not faster. I was slightly intimidated, until I remembered that I did the equivalent of this nearly every day in Denmark. Then it was a piece of cake.

I made it safely, though when I arrived I was unfortunately much sweatier than I would have preferred. But despite my embarassment, I was rather proud of the accomplishment.

Apparently riding your bike for 6 miles-round trip gives one plenty of time to think. Here's what I decided to think about. I believe there is a fine line between being supremely awesome and taking the day by storm (a.k.a. being a bamf), and being a total idiot. And I've decided this line, today, was my helmet. I know this sounds super dorky but hear me out.  I gotta admit it, riding in jeans and wedges was not my brightest idea. And was more than a little bit uncomfortable. BUT since I had my backpack tightly buckled across my chest and my helmet securely fastened on my head, at least I looked like I knew what I was doing. I looked ready for adventure, albeit poorly dressed for said adventure. Who knows what all the Iowa City-ians thought as they drove past me, swerving to the other lane to avoid hitting the crazy biker on the side of the road, but I'll admit I felt somewhat invincible. Invincible and sharply dressed. Not a bad feeling.  But that's when the realization came that if I would not have had my helmet to show just how dedicated I am to not screwing up this brain that I've worked so hard for and my backpack to show I mean business, I really would've just looked utterly ridiculous. Don't you think? So that was my exciting experience of the day.
And what, might you ask, does a bike-riding bamf do when she gets home from her adventurous day? She naps.

I'm not usually wrong. But when I am...it's about this.

When I was younger I was convinced that I'd be a very good loner. I could live in the mountains, in a gorgeous house surrounded by beautiful landscaping, complete with stainless steel appliances and the coolest shower available...Oh and the most important part, in all of these fun fantasies, I'd be all by my lonesome. I dreamt of spending my time working out, doing academic work and then sitting in a hammock, simply relaxing. Obviously this is a ridiculous proposition. And I knew it wasn't actually going to happen. But I thought, naively, that living like that would make me very happy.

And some of it would have.

But after some major thought, I've decided that after about the first week, I would be miserable. Because I like people.

And maybe that's the major game changer. I didn't used to like people. I mean, I had friends, whom I liked. And I liked some other people. But I didn't used to glean quite so much enjoyment from just being with and talking to people, as I do now.  

I'll still admit I don't adore every single person I encounter. But I do give each person a chance, and I think I give people a lot more credit than I used to. And they totally deserve it. I think I just used to be too cynical. I'd say it's a new and improved me that (as often as I can) starts with a general like and appreciation for each person. And I've found that's a much better way to live. 

Just something I've been thinking about lately. 

On another totally random note, today I decided to buy some new notebooks. One is for "Words previously unknown by Rachel". It's basically a dictionary of words I encounter that I don't understand. Even if it's a word I recognize, if I am unable to come up with a reasonable definition, it goes in the notebook. Then, when I have the chance, I'll look up the definitions and fill in the blanks in the notebook. I got so lucky as to happen upon a cute little A-to-Z notebook that has beautiful typefont background of a letter on each page. So the words just get written on the correct page and then I don't have to do any more rearranging or anything. It is pretty fabulous. There must be at least 15 total words already, most of which I just learned this evening. And thus begins the process of expanding my vocabulary. 

Secondly, at this same cute store, I bought two little blank page notebooks. These are my "random thoughts" notebooks. Whenever I have a totally random thought that I feel should be remembered, or at least acknowledged, I'll jot it down and date it. For some reason I had multiple of these thoughts today. I think it was because I drank a cup of coffee this morning (thanks to my coffee-making-and-drinking roommate Katie :), so that I wouldn't fall asleep at the workshop (success!)  However, that extra jolt this morning did lead me to a slightly more distractible state of mind.  Here are just two of the jotted down ideas from today...

~ Buy more cardigans

~ need to dance.  find a way. 

~ remember to tell Katie about the dream about Scooter (my cat)

~ buy a notebook for unknown words  (Success!)

For whatever reason, it is strangely satisfying to see what could have been a fleeting thought become a physical entity that exists on the perfectly white page of the pretty pink notebook.  It's just nice.

Think that's all for today. I've been biking a lot these days so I'm a bit more worn out by the time I get into bed at night. Which is now. And therefore, goodnight all :)

P.S. (see title of post) I'll admit it, I am wrong some other times. I don't know about what yet. But I know it happens.......occasionally :)

Today's agenda

Today's Agenda: Monday, Orientation Week

-Official first meeting with program director and fellow incoming students. Status: Check

-Keep myself busy/maybe be productive between meetings. Status: In progress.
Here's what I've done thus far.
           Ate lunch in hospital lobby, tried to get connected to internet to work on this online class I need to complete. Failed- no internet connection.
          Sat in a coffee shop, drank iced tea and started the class. But then I got hungry and felt it would be inappropriate to eat my homemade sandwich inside the cafe.
          So I walked to the public library and sat outside and tried to connect to the internet. Another failure.
           Finally I came inside (where I currently am) and tried to continue watching the videos for the course but it keeps freezing like 4 minutes in. So now I'm just writing my thoughts because what else am I going to do until this next meeting in an hour? Well, I do have one idea. But I probably don't need to get in the habit of getting fro-yo every single time I'm downtown.

Next-

-Meeting to register for classes. Status: In one hour. I think I have them figured out. We have 2 required classes (Foundations of Neurobiology and Foundations of Neuropsychology), an optional molecular/cellular class which I may take, and then possibly space for one elective. Then we have lab rotations and research work on top of that. I am pumped though because I got approved to work in Michelle Voss's lab (who I've been talking to and hoping to work with since about February of this year) and I was also assigned an academic mentor and a grad student mentor as well. I was very pleased when the director said Melissa Duff (who I worked with last summer) could be my advisor and my student mentor is a girl I met during Interview week who is friendly, a little crazy, really fun and apparently quite successful and smart. So basically, I have a dream team of academic advisors/mentors/lab professors :)

After that meeting I will be done with meetings for the day so I'm going to head home and finish this online course (which has not worked at all in the twenty or so minutes that I've been sitting here writing this) and I think my roommates and I will rearrange our living room, because we now have an awesome couch!

Oh, speaking of my apartment, my 3rd roommate, Lauren, moved in yesterday. She was the one who originally found this apartment and then had a profile online that I found. She is incredibly nice (as is her family) and I'm thrilled I got so lucky with these two great roommates. All three of us seem to get along well already and I can't wait to hear how their first days today went also. Maybe I'll post some pictures of the apt once it gets finished.

I better head back to my bike so I can get to the other side of the river for my meeting. Happy Monday, everyone!

Short and sweet

This has to be short because I am pathetically tired after my first real day of anything academic, but I'm forcing myself to write because 1) I do actually enjoy it and 2) I don't want to get in the habit of putting it off. Today was indeed my first official day. Kind of. I'm taking part in a workshop on functional magnetic resonance imaging (fmri), something I have very little experience with, but a considerable amount of interest in. I was for sure the youngest and least experienced person there, which is simultaneously overwhelming and relieving. I kind of feel like it's okay that this is all going way over my head because I'm just a lowly first year grad student. I can't really be expected to understand all the jargon and programming details, can I? Then again, it is a little scary seeing the breadth and depth of stuff I will hopefully be familiar with in just a few short years. The day consisted of 3 lectures in the morning (I'll admit it, I was dozing a wee bit by the third one. Perhaps coffee is in my forecast tomorrow), and then two workshops. One of which I followed decently well (super cool imaging program called Slicer, for any of my nerdy friends) and the other, during which I got lost about half way through and spent the rest of the time just trying to fake it till I made it. All in all, I survived. And felt a little grown up in the process.

However, I have to admit this morning was not the perfect morning for my epic appearance on the graduate school scene. Here is approximately how my continuous 3rd person pep talk went...all in my head of course. (I'm "graduate student", in case that's not clear)

Well graduate student, here you are. Setting off for your first big day. In a nice shirt...and gym shorts. That's ok, you look super cool. Thank goodness the rain has stopped just in time for you to ride your bike. You forgot to grab your seat cover? Well you'll have a wet butt, so good thing you are going to change into your jeans when you get there. Just don't ride too fast, otherwise you'll get all sweaty and out of breath and you'll look silly for the rest of the day. You know everyone will judge you if your makeup smudges and your hair is a little frizzy. 

Ok, you're half way there. You realize you are taking the least efficient route to get there, right? Why on earth did you just ride in front of the hospital instead of crossing at that light? You should know this area better. It's ok, just smile, grad student, and everyone will think you know what you are doing. They have no idea that you don't have a clue and that you feel ridiculous. 

You made it to the right building and your bike is locked up, great! Wait...how about you do that again and actually lock it to the post this time, eh? That'd be helpful.  (Opps)

Nice work walking up those stairs that went who knows where, you smartypants, and even better job walking back down them and standing there awkwardly until someone else "neuro-y" walked by so you could follow them up to the room. They have no idea you almost went the wrong way...3 times!

At least you've made it to the right room. Oh no! Everyone is wearing khakis or nice pants. Crap!! Feeling a little silly in your jeans now, aren't you? Well, at least the men aren't wearing ties.

Okay...you can relax now, nervous grad student. You've made it to the workshop, you have a name tag, you have a computer to sit at and...lo and behold...someone else is wearing jeans too :)

So that really was my train of thought this morning as I did pretty much everything wrong before finally making it successfully to the right place. I guess the whole nervous thing is to be expected and honestly, I doubt anyone else noticed any of my little mistakes (except that janitor who chuckled when I walked up the stairs...and promptly back down them). Overall I have to say the day could've gone much worse :)

I better get to sleep now so tomorrow's lectures get a little more attention from me then the ones today did.  Let's all hope for some more adventures tomorrow...otherwise what am I going to ramble on here about? Goodnight.

Day 2 of grown up living

I won't write much tonight because I traveled far and wide to a little cafe with wi-fi (shout-out to JavaHouse)...(oh and to downtown Iowa City, which is awesome on a Friday night! It's rocking with outdoor dining, a grilled cheese stand and live music.)  Anyways, I managed to seat myself nowhere near an outlet and I'm too proud to move from this spot now that I'm here. I have approximately 1 hour and 32 minutes of power left, but I doubt this place is even open that long so maybe I will write until one or the other happens, computer dies or they kick me out. Haha. 

I hope everyone is doing well tonight. I have survived day two, actually day 3, of being in my apartment. Sleeping last night went much better now that the air is back on. The only disconcerting thing was the dream I had that included a really insane frog/owl/pterodactyl creature that I'm pretty sure spawned off the real life giant fish species that is living in the pond behind our apartment. Apparently my subconscious thinks those fish could sprout wings and make it up to our apartment to torment me. Nevertheless, I slept well in my new bed and awoke to realize the fish in the pond really are just fish. I spent my day organizing my room, getting my hair cut, going grocery shopping, putting together an IKEA coffee table, vacuuming and baking (brownies and puppy chow: perfect "break in the kitchen" food :).  So far it appears I really enjoy being "Holly homemaker" (I don't think that's a real saying, I just made it up), even if it is just for me. But the boyfriend (Mr. Quintin Gittemeier, from Knox) is visiting this weekend so I did actually have a real reason to come up with delicious meals and make the apartment look as good as possible. 

I really want to write all about my meeting with Michelle (my soon-to-be lab advisor), but I don't have enough time so maybe I'll write a post before bed tonight and post it the next time I get internet. All I can say for now is, it really made me excited to be a part of this Neuro program and for the upcoming research opportunities! Okay I sound like a big dork so I better stop.

Thanks as always for reading :)  

Words from the dark...kind of. On the adventures of growing up and moving

Hello all!

I've been considering returning to the world of blogging for some time now. And now I figure, what more appropriate time could there be than this? This time being me on the cusp of adulthood, having just moved into my new apartment, off campus, at a new school, with my own bedroom and my very own new queen bed.....and no electricity. Good thing I charged up my computer before I left home this morning. I don't even have internet right now...so in what feels like a very 'old school' style, I am writing this on a "sticky note", which is mac's version of notepad. But it's more fun because you can change the colors and drag the boxes all over your screen wherever you want. This one is blue, if anyone was wondering, and it's a giant box in the middle of my screen overlapping my itunes. 

Now that we got the important stuff out of the way, let's talk about why I am sitting on my new bed, sweating like a pig, in the dark, ready to throw in the towel and go to bed at, let's see....10:04.  Wow, no wonder people got so much more sleep before indoor lighting. There's nothing else to do when it gets dark! So, like I said, I just moved in to my first big girl apartment today. It's in Iowa City, close to the stadium, in this kind of wooded area, right behind a gross green pond which has huge fish that look like gators. It's a beautiful apartment though. 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a lovely kitchen, wooden floor dining room, living room and a delightful little balcony. I found this apartment by way of University of Iowa's online roommate finder and I am living with 2 girls who had already decided to lease this apt and were looking for a third. Much to my pleasure, after a few emails back and forth, they deemed me worthy and told me if I wanted the apt, they'd have me. I was thrilled and jumped at the chance right away. One of the roommates also moved in today. A very sweet girl from Minneapolis who attended Iowa State. So far I'm a huge fan. She likes adventuring, is very studious, likes to keep things clean, and has a great sense of humor and a get-it-done attitude (all this I can tell from meeting her twice and watching her haul all her stuff up our 3 flights of stairs). She also had a few good friends to help her...so at least I know she has friends :)  I haven't met the other roommate yet. She went to William and Mary and is originally from Virginia, near Washington DC. Ironically, my college roommate (and best friend) was also from that area. Lauren (roommate #2) is moving in on the 12th. Hopefully Katie (roommate #1) and I will have the apartment all settled in and looking spic and span by the time she gets here and brings her awesome huge couch (yay!!).  

Wait, back to why I have no power....When I signed the lease two weeks ago, the property manager had told me to just call the electrical company (Mid-american) a few days ahead of time to make sure they know what day service should start. So on Monday (two days ago) I give them a call and am told that the previous residents just had the service turned off, so in order for it to be turned back on, a service person will have to come flip the breaker. No problem...or so I think. "Which day are you moving in?" She asks. When I say Wednesday she says, "well, it appears out schedule is booked (eek!), but here, I can override it and give you an appointment time of 7 am-8pm. So, you'll just have to be at the residence to let the person in during all of that time. We can call 30 minutes ahead of time."  Well....I wasn't planning to move in until 10. I was not about to leave Newton at 5:30 in the morning to be here at 7 am "just in case" they could come then. And I probably wouldn't have even had a key. "Okay so maybe we can just make an appointment for Thursday," she says, when I explain the predicament. "Thursday is also full. It appears we have some times open on Friday."  Friday didn't seem quite soon enough for me to get ac, a fridge, hot water and a lit kitchen so we finally agree to do the 7am-8pm thing on Thursday. That means that sometime tomorrow, don't know when, we will get electricity back! I do have to leave at 11 am to go meet my new advisor/professor/lab rotation (which will inevitably be the subject of the next blog post), but besides that I guess I will be keeping myself busy in my hot, dark apartment.   While I am talking about the whole power deal, I have to give a shout out to the graduation gift that allowed me to shower this evening. Mike and Ginny (family friends) bought me the most adorable bathroom accessories set. It's all rubber ducky themed and I'm in love with it. I have a shower curtain, towels, a duck with umbrella toothbrush holder and a duck soap dispenser. Along with a few just-for-funsies duckies, two of which light up. Who would've guessed how handy those would be for my very dark (and very cold) shower. It was nice little ambiance lighting :)  Oh and I hadn't hung my shower curtain up, so it really was an interesting shower. Thank you Mike and Ginny, for making it possible for me to not go to bed in my nice new bed all stinky and sweaty. It was truly a treat :)  

I will probably go to sleep soon (what else can I do without power??) but I will first say that I am comfortable and happy in this lovely new apartment, and it's all thanks for my mama, Abby and Kyle. Mom drove the explorer to IC for me, all loaded up with my furniture and other essentials and then helped haul stuff up the stairs. She even packed us a fun lunch that we ate picnic-style on the living room floor. Abby and Kyle drove from Waverly (their new home) and helped unload and transfer all of my stuff. I sincerely could not have gotten some of it without Kyle's muscles and it was also just nice to have the two of them see where I'm living and help figure out how to organize my room. I'm glad I am not living too far away from them- and I hope they come visit me often (hint hint ;)  

I think I'll call it a night now. I'm hoping my phone doesn't die before morning so my alarm will be able to go off, otherwise I'll probably wake up to the sun. Another cold shower in the morning, perhaps? Thanks for reading my first post as I'm returning to the blogosphere (that is most definitely not a real word...but I think that's allowed when blogging, haha)  Goodnight!

Words I spoke at the funeral

Dear all,

The following is my eulogy, which I read today at the funeral. The only hard part about writing it was that I had so many more memories I wanted to share. Dad was so good at making them. I hope it makes you laugh a bit, I think he would have :)

"I can’t begin to explain how much it means that you all are here. I just have a few things to say about the man my father was and the legacy he left, though that will never be fully played out because I am certain we will feel it in new ways every single day.

Many times, in reference to our game plan to kick my dad’s cancer in the butt, my mom would say "We are swinging for the fence!" (my mom is particularly fond of sports metaphors). And well, even though what we really wanted was a home run that would bring dad’s health back so he could stay with us, Heaven has gotta be beyond the fence. Somewhere wonderful beyond the fence. And we are so grateful to know we will see him again.        

In recalling stories about dad, there are a few themes that come up again and again. How much fun we had with him, how much we trusted him and how proud we were to be his daughters.

As Abby wrote, our dad was a competitive, fun-loving guy. He did not let that darn tumor get in his way. In a blog post a few months back, when I was home in July, I wrote “We are staying really positive, but we are also on edge, just waiting and watching and praying and hoping.  On the bright side, I played tennis with him a few days ago and although his motor skills have definitely been affected by the tumor, he still had some serves that aced me!”  That’s my strong, amazing dad for you.

         Dad loved being outside, working, playing golf or tennis or just enjoying. When I was younger, he built a beautiful patio behind our garage. I remember one summer night when I was in highschool, we decided to borrow a projector and dad rigged it up so that we could watch Star Wars on the back of the garage. We all sat out there in lawn chairs, with blankets and pillows and a fire burning in our cast iron fire pit.

         Abby also mentioned how adventurous dad was. This was particularly evident when we would ride our four-wheelers down at the farm. He taught me how to ride and then put me on my own four-wheeler and let me just follow him as we went up and down hills, around the lakes and through the tall grass, always stopping to point out deer or the shark fish if its fin was skimming the water as it so often did. Two summers ago, we were out riding on the runway, seeing how fast we could go and dad told me to stop in the middle and watch him. He went a ways down towards the lake and then turned around and came back, riding close to the edge of the runway. Only once I saw his four-wheeler dip down and then bounce up a little hill did I realize what he was showing me—he had figured out how to “get air”. And he just laughed and laughed and laughed. I was nowhere near as good as he was at first but we did it over and over. Heading towards the lake, turning around and starting in first gear, speeding up to about 5^th gear and then once we reached the little dip we’d scrunch down as close to the handlebars as we could so it would go just a bit higher in the air. And mom had no idea (which was smart on dad’s part)

When I was younger, we would travel back and forth to Donnellson, Des Moines, Logan and also on longer trips, specifically the one we took to New York. Dad would be in the driver seat of our big grey Astrovan, mom in the passenger and then Abby and I all sprawled out across the two middle seats, piled in with coloring books, snacks and blankets and pillows. I sleep in the car, all the time. But I remember when I was little I would be so tired, nearly unable to keep my eyes open. And for whatever reason I was convinced that when I closed my eyes, somehow dad’s eyes would close too. And I tried so hard to keep them open because I felt guilty that I was sleeping and he was driving. I would fight to keep them open, picturing him getting tired at the wheel. Despite my desperate attempts, I would inevitably fail and fall into an untroubled sleep, rocked into dreams by the gently moving car, that was faithfully steered by my father. And he always got us home safely. I’d wake up as we pulled into the driveway, surprised at how much time had passed while I was asleep. But never surprised that we made it. Because I trusted him. I trusted him to get us there. And he always did.

Some of you have heard this next part, so I’m sorry to be repeating it. I wrote it after being home at Easter.

“I've always known I was blessed to have Sam Clark as a father. His real name is Robert; that's what I always loved telling people because it was like having a secret. I know him better than you, I'd think in my head. I don't even know if the story I tell is accurate; I'm sure it's tainted by years of me revealing my little secret to people who met my dad. "Yeah. His name is really Robert, but one time when he was little, the neighbor came over and asked how the kids were doing. My grandma responded "Oh Donna and Mark are in the other room and baby Sam is napping." She just randomly said Sam, or so my story goes. And it just stuck. I think I change the story a little bit every time, but I enjoy it very much nonetheless.”

The past few days we have been watching home videos. The good old videos, playing on the nearly-ancient vcr. The kind that dad filmed with his giant video camera. A lot of the videos were of parties or holidays or other gatherings. But some of them were just dad and us. He would turn on the camera and just set it on the tripod or carry it along on his shoulder while we did normal, every day things:  playing hide and seek, eating hot dogs and jello, pulling tissues out of the box while mom wasn’t watching and him teaching us to talk. To most people, those things are mundane and less-than-extraordinary. But to dad they were opportunities to make memories. Who knew how much these would come to mean to us? Because to us, when we watch those, every moment is a chance to hear him laugh, talk or see his twinkling eyes.

I miss my father- his idiosyncrasies, his laugh, his wit, his thoughtful eyes and that facial gesture he made when something surprised him. We will all miss him very much. 

That man. He knew how to make memories. And he knew how to love. And I will forever be a better person because of how he raised me.

Thank you all so much for coming. I can’t express or even fully comprehend right now how much it means to us. Though the hole in our hearts can’t be filled, it’s nice to have such warmth to comfort the part of us that remains."